Windows 8 to Feature Fully Virtual Monopoly

In its next version of its surprisingly popular operating system, Microsoft will be moving away from providing additional software features, and instead focusing on the company's core strength: monopolies.

"The actual operating system of Windows 8 will be provided by other organizations, but it will have exclusive Microsoft branding, including a wide range of monopolistic features," says a Microsoft spokesperson.  "Users will be getting the best Windows yet, whether it is a version of Ubuntu, or Mac OS, or something else.  But with that they will be getting all of the features that they've come to expect from Microsoft, including easily creating files that can only be opened by other Windows users."

"It's more like an exclusive club than software," says Microsoft.  "And at $250 for a Standard Edition upgrade, our customers know that it's a premium club."

The move is being well-received by Microsoft's customers.  "I'm happy to pay whatever it costs to be part of the Microsoft monopoly", says the director of the New Zealand school board, which has recently renewed a contract to have all-Microsoft software in every one of its schools.  "We already have some schools switching to other operating systems.  This new version of Windows will allow them to do that while still claiming to be 'Windows only.'  Microsoft's new focus will greatly improve the quality of the software, and we will be safe in the knowledge that none of our students will be left behind, forced to pay out of their own pocket for Microsoft branding, or to get out into the real world and be left out, trying to make it in this world without even a shiny Microsoft sticker.  I'm glad we'll be getting something new and better, but still be able to pay Microsoft for it, as we always have."

'The Right Move', says Microsoft

"We've always known that when it comes to actual software, we're mediocre at best.  But as for successful monopolistic practices, we're in a class of our own.  We've listened to our customers, and they tell us that what they want is the monopoly, and they're tired of having to deal with our software to get it.  We've been working hard on this new version of Windows, to allow our monopoly to work with other operating systems, yet still retain that 'Windows only' feel.  The new version will be streamlined down to just the bare essentials.  Basically, it is nothing more than a file system with special Digital Rights Management restrictions that make all files on your system 'Microsoft-only'."

The OS will ship with the new file system on a single 3.5" HD floppy disk, a brochure for additional add-on Microsoft clubs, and of course, an official Microsoft sticker.