Tuesday, June 8, 2010

This week in news

RIAA Sues LimeWire for $1.5 Trillion

In what seems like a sad and ill-timed April Fool's joke, RIAA is asking for $750 for each song downloaded through LimeWire.

RIAA Sues Radio Signal Receivers for $10 Trillion

People who are subjected to radio signals have been getting a free ride, according to RIAA.  "Radio stations are playing music that we own, and whether someone is listening to that song on an album that was purchased in a store, or if radio waves carrying that song pass harmlessly through their head, it makes no difference to us... we are still owed money for that song."  RIAA is asking for $750 for each song that is played on a radio station, for each person within the range of that station.

RIAA Sues Pet-Owners for $250 Trillion

RIAA claims that pet-owners are not living up to their contractual agreements.  "When you purchase an album, you are purchasing a license to listen to that album, as an individual.  Pet-owners tend to have their pets around when they listen to music.  The owners typically don't realize that they are required to purchase an additional copy of an album for each pet that consumes our product."

RIAA has also stated that they may be introducing new licensing agreements that require customers to buy a second copy of an album if they listen to it more than 5 times.

RIAA Sues India, China for $5.5 Quadrillion

RIAA has stated that consumers in India and China are not buying enough albums, which they are calling "Theft of potential profits". By their calculations, each person should be pulling their weight and buying enough albums for a collection of approximately 250 albums each, roughly the average for UK album owners.  At an average of 12 songs per album, and at $750 per song (the magic number that RIAA says each un-purchased potential song costs them), the bill comes to $2.25 million per person.  With around 2.5 billion people in the 2 countries, the total amounts to over $5,545 trillion.  "Luckily, with such large numbers, the theft of our potential profits is a very serious crime in these countries, and may even carry the death penalty as a punishment, which we think will really encourage people to pay up what they owe us."

RIAA Sues Earth for $3.3 Quintillion

"Frankly, we're just used to pulling ridiculously inflated numbers out of our asses and telling people they owe us that.  The number we came up with, and it's an exciting one, is $500,000,000, from each person on the planet.  And, we'd like to have that money, so we think we deserve it."