Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Stephen Harper resurrects War on Terror for 9/11 anniversary

The Conservative government will reintroduce controversial anti-terrorism measures that were allowed to expire amid privacy concerns and Charter rights complaints, Prime Minister Stephen Harper confirmed to The Post Picayune Tuesday.

In celebration of the tenth anniversary of 9/11, Harper plans to help everyone remember and relive the days of racist fear-mongering, unjust persecution, and suppression of human rights that we all enjoyed over the past decade.

"We must look back to 9/11 and remember all that we've lost," the Prime Minister said, pausing to wipe a tear from his eye. "We've really lost a lot of government power these past few years. We used to be able to lock up people just for saying the wrong thing or having a 'foreigney' name. We used live in constant fear of our neighbors. Our fears kept us safe... they kept us wanting to be safe. We must never forget, never get complacent and let ourselves idly enjoy a life without totalitarian government power over the people. Without its protection and it making us do what's best for it and for this country, just imagine what a scary world that would be! We must remember the fear, and the hatred. Terrorism strikes right when you least expect it, and if you're not being vigilant by constantly living in terror, that's when terror will get you."

In what will surely go down in history as a great address of the nation, Harper said "The only thing we have to fear is... terror!, terror!, terror!!! And Islamicism, which as you all know is worse than Islam, Islamics, and even Islamism. We cannot sleep peacefully until the Islamicists are all hidden away in a secret prison and preferably tortured a little for good measure."

The Prime Minister later commented on his uncharacteristically emotional display during the speech. "I just think back to 9/11 and can't help feeling sad. I really miss those days. I really do."

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