Wednesday, September 18, 2013

US Upholds Free Healthcare, Drugs For Addicted Corporations

The US Fed, a healthcare provider that services people of corporate personhood, has renewed its plan to provide free benefits for businesses suffering from an addiction to money.

In recent years, the plan successfully prescribed large doses of the addictive drug Stimulus to treat depression among corporations. With the disease now all but eradicated, the economy regularly pushes to record heights in overall market capitalization. However, many of these healthy companies have become addicted to Stimulus, and experts in economic medicine say they need to stay on it, or risk stunted growth.

"These companies originally needed Stimulus to get them back on their feet. Now, in peak financial form, they repeatedly want just one more hit so that they can stay on top... to bulk up just a little more. All they need is a constant supply of cash to keep them happy, and I really don't see a harm in that."

The Fed says that Americans support the free healthcare. "Sure, the taxpayers have to foot the bill for supporting the economy, but good health for corporate persons is an important American value. We all have a corporation or two in our family and friends, and we all have to look out for them, to make sure that no single corporation is left sick or suffering like some disgusting poor person."

In other news, the US is introducing "Preventative Welfare", a form of financial aid for extremely rich people, which aims to ensure that they stay that way. "One way to keep the poverty figures low is to avoid adding any numbers from among the wealthier Americans."

No comments: